‘The dart narrowly missed me,’ said champion farter Dave Smythe, talking about his expulsion from The UK national farting competition finals. If you slow down the action you can see it whistling past my ear. Of course, spectators couldn’t hear that whistling as it was drowned out by my speciality ‘dry trouser cough’, which I have developed to deliver volume and olfactory impact. But my equilibrium was ruined and I couldn’t help ‘following through’, which means automatic expulsion under new NF league rules.’
Time was when the follow-through didn’t mean an early bath in competitive farts, and the classic finish was a number one then a double two. But once the sport became popular on TV, the time it took for a wet wipe and a change of trousers, however efficiently this could be performed by specially trained ‘pit stop’ crew, slowed down the action, so a ‘one shite and your out’ rule came into play. This led to the famed hard boiled egg diet for contestants, which served as a colon-blocking defense against fouling, while at the same time increasing the sulphuric impact on the judges’ noses.
Now NF league officials are investigating how a weapon could have been smuggled in to the flatulence arena. Official Jemima Smith explained that both spectators and participants are thoroughly searched, although security operatives are warned to ‘pat down’ competitors as gently as possible, to avoid premature release.
nickb (hat tip Sinnick)
(via New Biscuit)